He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
forgive me baja for i have blast
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.