For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me logging onto twitter
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.