Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh