I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Realize this:
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.