My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
What the hell happened here.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy