When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
umm…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach