If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.