The Internet wins again..πππ€£π€£π€£ππ
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense βsicksenseβ and those who pause in the middle
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I donβt care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Itβs password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if itβs strong.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
They say to avoid things that excite you when itβs time to sleep, but whatβs more exciting than getting to sleep?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think Iβm moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Why soy sad?
There was a sign at work that said, βNO MICROWAVING FISHβ which is crazy because I canβt think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My husband: Okay, bye! Iβm headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! Weβll always have our memories.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THATβS your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
your elf on the shelf was delicious
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs