9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
You Might Also Like
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Sticker placement is key.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.