Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The Struggle
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]