My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin