Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.