Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
He just like my cat fr
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”