Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours