Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Your secret is safeish with me
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle