I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Perfect