Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
You Might Also Like
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out