my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
channeling her this year
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Two types of dogs.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.