The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
You Might Also Like
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Peace was never an option
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Bringing home a sharpie
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese