Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
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*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”