How do you milk an almond?
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I have so many questions.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know