I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words