I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
You Might Also Like
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
❤️❤️❤️
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.