> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
the three branches of government
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him