*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*launders Kohls cash*
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells