A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
don’t we all
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.