Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I have so many questions.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.