I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
This a good idea
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Stonehinge
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT