We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
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Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.