reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Somewhere in an alternate universe
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m good, thanks.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min