I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count