Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You Might Also Like
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
6: are snakes just neck?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph