God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.