My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
This guy’s not having it 😆
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.