Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid