If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”