One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.