Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?