7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Phones down.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time