i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
You Might Also Like
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’