Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Best table by far
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.