Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.