Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars