The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! ππ
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Itβs password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if itβs strong.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So heβs like 100 years old?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: Iβm not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
When the zombie apocalypse comes and youβre in Walmart, how will you know?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Cop: looks like youβre wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first π
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I needed a laugh this morning.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ππΌππΌππΌ
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, Iβm not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, βWhen was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?β
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I am a genie. I grant you three wiβ
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
IKEA is a great place to hear βBabe?β 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.