“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Finally
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.