Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick