Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds