Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Now this is how you LinkedIn
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?