When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
🤯🤯🤯
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
happy friday
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
British websites use biscuits.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?