They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
This sounds bad:
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park